Hollywood slump vs. Healthy marriage

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.  Song of Solomon 4:7
Women (and men) are under a lot of pressure to be "perfect" by movies, tv, internet, books etc etc. 
Its not just the physical side of it but this is what I'm touching base on today.  You can barely pass a magazine rack without seeing airbrushed pics of celebs and headlines of how to achieve their look.  
Although I do think that it is very important to take care of yourself, and I will touch base on that later. A lot of times we spend so much time focusing on our outward appearance that it turns us into objects instead of people.  

• There were over 9 million surgical and non surgical cosmetic procedures performed in the US in 2011.
• People age 35-50 had the most procedures – almost 4 million and 43% of the total. People age 19-34 had 20% of procedures; age 51-64 had 28%; age 65 and over had 8 %; and age 18 and younger had 1.4%.*   

I home school my daughter, and whenever she has art class, instead of enjoying herself she always ends up angry because it did not turn out the same as the one in the video or in the book.   Instead of appreciating the beauty of what she made she always strives to make it just like someone else's.  I am desperately trying to teach her that what makes it hers is the imperfections,  the colors she chose, the way she did it,  although it doesn't look the same does not mean it is any less beautiful than the example she was shown.  So many times we get wrapped up in someone else's size, hair, talents, clothes, sometimes even their marriage, children, friends or material things that we forget to appreciate who we are and what we have.  

 How does this relate to marriage you ask?  Well let's be honest we all know that low self esteem effects everything that we do.  Someone with low self esteem will do one of two things, they will never do anything for the lack of confidence,  or everything they do they will seek approval and fight disappointment and frustration when it doesn't come the way they thought it would.  This goes from taking care of children, housework, sex, dating, romancing, or even taking it outside of the home the ministries you feel called to.   

How do we fix our self esteem problems?  First we pray and seek God's word, knowing he has a plan for our life. Focusing on more than just our appearance and recognizing who we are in Christ.  The ultimate creator the same one who made the beautiful sunset, the stars, all of the natural artwork on this earth, He created you.  I pray that you go to God first because ultimately we are imperfect and no one will be able to help you love yourself more than the one who created you.  

Next I pray that spouses step up and encourage and uplift.  "Hollywood"  seems to have hooked people in with creating the "perfect" man and the "perfect" woman and the "perfect" relationships with the "happy endings".  The reality is life is much harder than that, and even if things seem to go in one direction people will not always say or do the "right" things.   Instead of focusing on what your spouse does or doesn't do start looking at why you fell in love with them and the things they do well.  We are all in need of hearing encouraging things about what we are doing right more than always hearing criticism of what we messed up on.  Let's face it, 99% percent of the time we are already our worst critic whether we admit our mistakes or not. 

Third I pray that every time you are battling issues with yourself take time out to encourage or compliment someone else.  Whether it's a note on fb, a text message, a phone call, or a letter.  You will be amazed how much better you will feel about yourself if you just take the time to make someone else's day better.  This includes your spouse as well of course, but they should be getting compliments from you daily anyway!!!!

Lastly, and this is the hard one, is take care of yourself.  I don't mean buy yourself new clothes, fake nails and get your hair done at the most expensive salon.  Those things are nice at times, but I'm talking about getting to the source of the problem.  Take time out of your day to exercise and choose healthier foods.  It's very easy to become lazy about our bodies when we are busy, have little kids or into a place of contentment because we know our spouses love us, but not only will you feel better, have more energy, and improve your life all around, but your sex life will improve and your esteem.  Work out together, plan a menu, or just make healthier choices all around together.  It's a huge esteem booster when you accomplish a workout or reach some fitness goals.  I'm not saying it will solve all your problems, but it will help you to start feeling better about yourself and appreciating your body for what it is.  Statistics show that most people are more successful getting healthy with a partner, who better to start this journey with than your life long partner.  


“When I lay my head on the pillow at night I can say I was a decent person today. That's when I feel beautiful.” 
― Drew Barrymore

* Statistics came from http://www.surgery.org/sites/default/files/ASAPS-2011-Stats.pdf

The Tongue: Double Edged Sword

This is probably one of the hardest things that we will address throughout our lives. Words that we say to one another has so much power, condemnation, and uplifting to the spirit than we could ever imagine.  So, in saying all that, you can only imagine how that would affect your spouse.  Husband to wife, wife to husband and even further, parent to child, your words can condemn or encourage.

"When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal.  Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder where the pilot wants to go.  Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts.  Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark."   James 3:3-5


"Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.  My brothers and sisters, this should not be."  James 3:10


That is where the double edged sword of the tongue comes in.  On one hand, we can speak about a person in a way that is uplifting not only to them, but to the person we are speaking about them to.  On the other hand, we can curse a person by saying such negative things about them, true or untrue.  We can have information about a person that is very true about what they have done, but who are we to spread such information in a slanderous manner.  Then we all know how that usually turns out most of the time.  We start to tell a story and by the time we get done we have fabricated more than half the story which makes a person look so much worse than what actually happened.  let's be honest here, it sounds cliche, but take your classic fish tale for example: you may have caught a really big bass, but by the time you finish the story, it was a state record catch.  Just sayin.  Your intent was probably not to lie or stretch the truth, but as you told the story people became more intrigued and it sounded so much better in your head, so you just ran with it.  That example may be silly and your thinking, well I just stretched the truth a little.  What happens if the story is more serious.  What if your friend lost their job.  They may have just gotten laid off from downsizing, but you heard from a friend of a friend that they were actually taking money from the company and trying to cover it up.  You don't know for sure, but that's what you were told and well Jane wouldn't lie. Or maybe you heard that they inappropriately touched another coworker.  Well, John walked in on them and Wilson was over Mary's shoulder looking at something on the computer and they just looked suspicious when he walked in.  Do you realize how much the tongue can influence a situation.  Whether great or small, what we say or how we say it or who we say it to, can bring about praise or cursing.
The same can be brought about in our marriages.  The way that we speak to each other or about each other can cause so much harm if we are not careful.  For example:  Used to be when I would come home in a bad mood from something that happened at work, I would take it out on everybody at home.  It wouldn't be intentional, but I would be expressing my concerns to my wife and well she wouldn't agree with me or might even say, maybe it's not as bad as you think. Well, guess what, I would just blow up and try to find out why she wasn't on my side, it is as bad as I say it is, you are there to see it, you have no idea what you are even talking about.  First of all, what a jerk.  If I didn't want her opinion, then I should have just kept my mouth shut in the first place.  Or I would just bottle everything up inside and not want to talk.  She would know there was something bothering me and try to get me to talk about it.  I would then blow up even more because I didn't want to talk in the first place and then she made me get it out and I somehow made it her fault and just ended up ripping her apart for something that happened before.  Again, what a monumental jerk I was.  She was just trying to help and I all but ripped her head off because I had anger issues and she was there and I knew she would take it.  I have had to apologize a lot for doing such things.  Humble myself before her and ask for forgiveness.  But first I had to ask God to forgive me.
We have to be in control over what comes out of our mouths.  Words we say and the way we say them can diffuse a situation or make it take a turn for the worse.  The way we express ourselves, body language we call it, or our tone of voice, dictates the way a conversation is going to go.  When you have worked a long day and just want to come home and sit down; your wife hits you with something as simple as will you take out the trash?  Guys, I've been there, you want to get all riled up, grumble, because you are wondering why she just didn't do it herself.  You just worked a 10 hour day and just want to relax.  Well it's in your hands, the balls in your court as to how the rest of the night is going to go.  So, make your choice: Ruin the whole night by being a jerk about it, or take the high road say "I will" kiss her on the cheek and just head to the garbage can.  Who knows, you may have just gotten yourself "lucky" for the night.  Grumble and groan and well let's just say doghouse.
I know these examples are kind of silly, but look at how many times we encounter them.  No matter how great or small the situation, our responses (the tongue) can lead us down two very different paths.  On a greater scale, we have to speak kindly to our spouses.Men you can make your wife feel like a queen or a princess just by the way you address them.  They are not the "ole Lady". the "Ball and Chain", the "Old Hag", you get where I'm going.  They are your best friend, the mother of your children and the one you said "I Do" to and the one you promised to live the rest of your life with.  Women, same for you: your husband doesn't just cut your grass, stain the deck, fix the hanging door, hang that picture, clean out the garage and so on and so on.  They are your protector, your knight in shining armor, that hunk that stole your heart with the look from across the room.  Treat him that way, encourage him and instead of nagging him, try serving him.
All in all, we have control over how we respect/disrespect each other in our relationships.  Before you speak, be slow to anger, slow to listen and take a deep breath before you respond to your spouse.  Give them life giving words and do not curse them.  Respect one another, lift each other up and most of all, keep that fire kindled that brought you all together in the first place.

"The power of life and death are in the tongue."  Proverbs 18:21

Victorious Marriage

A victorious life is not the result of never having opposition; it is the result of making right choices in the midst of opposition.   -Joyce Meyer

It has been an extremely busy week in our household this week. It is not that anything bad has happened beyond your basic little every day battles, finances, sickness, car troubles, being forced into work on all of our off days.  So all in all looking forward to a new week.  That being said this quote stood out to us this week.
If you are honest with people you will not have a perfect marriage, there is no such thing.  There are going to be days where you are tired, stressed or just fed up. Your marriage will not be great because you are always getting along or always in a great mood,  that just means one of you is being extremely fake.

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27: 5-6

There will be disagreements in your marriage,  times when feelings may get hurt or you just don't see eye to eye are inevitable.  In the midst of those disagreements is sometimes when your marriage can shine the most.  If you make the decision to talk things out instead of lashing out at one another, not only will you most likely solve the problem and come to an agreement, but you will feel closer because of the open communication.   

We believe one of the most valuable tips we can give you for a great marriage is the act of true forgiveness.  It is an extremely powerful tool that with a sincere heart can overcome the biggest and smallest of disagreements, heartache and wrong doings.  

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6 14-15.

To put it bluntly for you we all mess up from time to time.  We are human we make mistakes, I'm sure you have heard it many times in your life, that failures lead you to your successes.  So why not when you or your spouse mess up take a step back, examine it and see what you can learn from it?  Sometimes you might be amazed at how much you can learn about yourself, from their mistakes as well as your own.  I'm not saying we are to never confront the spouse, actually I am saying just the opposite but it is to be done in love.  How can I help you improve this?  How can we work this out together?   What can we do to make sure we do not face this same problem again in the future?  

Whether your problems be with each other today or the outside world tomorrow, you are walking through this life together. Two people working together, towards a common goal will accomplish so much more than two who are fighting against each other.  

To close,  just a few tips for when disagreements happen with each other that we try to put to practice in our household. 

1. Honesty.  If something is bothering one of us, we spill it immediately, no letting it sit and fester until it builds to something untrue.  Let's be honest, if your feelings were hurt because of something your spouse says, and then they forget to take out the trash, you almost always blow up over the trash instead of admitting what you were really upset about. 

2. Pick a good time.  So your spouse is heading out the door to work, or your kids are screaming and fighting, not the best time to stop them and say hey by the way I need to tell you.... They need to have a chance to speak as well, and it definitely should not be in a high stress moment where emotions are vulnerable and most likely will blow up.  Find a time where you both can sit FACE TO FACE and just say " Hey I need to get this off my chest, my feelings were hurt when...."  

3. Be willing to negotiate the situation.  No one needs to "win".  Winning is not the prize here.  You are on the same team.  Figure out a game plan together to keep it from happening again and you both win.

4. Be willing to forgive and say you are sorry.  Yep although it's listed as number 4 this is a big one.  If you said something to hurt your spouse it is important for you to apologize and be sincere,  even if you think you were "right".  And as the one who was hurt, well you have to forgive and let it go.  We can't say that your emotions will make this easy sometimes, but the reward is great (and making up can be too).

5. End in prayer.  This is our favorite part, for the past several months whenever we have a disagreement we end in prayer.  It's amazing how much praying over each other when you are annoyed with the other can calm you down and help you remember the good in your spouse.  Something about going to God about the situation at hand and your spouse makes you say much nicer things then when you are just talking to each other so it helps end the argument on a much better note.  

Instead of walking away leaving your team mate wounded, scoop them up and walk forward victoriously together.  

No Judgement

Ok, so we kicked off this page and we are very excited about the response we have had so far.  Only God knows what all we are going to accomplish in this journey.  That being said we have listened to your feedback and with their permission sharing a comment we received from someone who saw our page...

Speaking as a divorced person this post is quite offensive. To say that divorce is not an option is closed minded and short sided. Not everyone in this life is given the choice to decide whether or not it is an option. There are many situations that make the decision for you no matter what you want in life. While I support the basic concept of the group, I would prefer to see it be a bit more understanding that this world is not black and white and not everyone fits into a nice little box. Life is messy and ugly most of the time and you should consider yourselves blessed that you haven't been touched by that ugliness, but don't punish those of us that have. And FYI, I believe with everything that I am, that God let me out of my marraige and back into his arms where I belonged.

While we will not address every comment against something we say, we did want to address this one due to the fact that we are just starting out. We want people who do not know us personally to understand our intentions.  Our response to this person was this:

First of all I would like to apologize for offending you. Second I will say thank you for your post for making us aware of how this is being taken again we apologize for that. You are 100% correct in that you are forgiven and loved! I don’t know the details of your past but I want to be perfectly clear in stating if someone is being physically abused we absolutely support them walking away from a marriage for their safety. We are also not naïve enough to think that there are not times when one spouse chooses to leave and leaves the other with no choice. However we are hoping to change the minds of all the people feeling like they have no other choice. What we are trying to say is; It should not be something decided on just because people “fell out of love” or can’t overcome a conflict. Finally I will say please don’t make the mistake of judging my marriage by appearance. We are not blessed because we haven’t had ugliness. We are purely blessed because we are allowing God to use our mess to create a message.

We are not here to judge anyone who has been divorced, that is far from our intentions.  What we are here for is to help encourage you to keep your marriage strong, loving and healthy as God intended it to be.  There are people who are desperately searching for another way and we want to help lead them in that direction.  Taking away the special circumstances noted above, divorce is NEVER the best option.
Just a few statistics to show why we are so firm on this statement.

• One out of 10 children of divorce experiences three or more parental marriage breakups. (Gallagher -The Abolition of Marriage)
• 40% of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers. (Wade, Horn and Busy, -Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform, Hudson Institute Executive Briefing, 1997)
• Studies in 1980 - 1981 uncovered that children in repeat divorces got lower results at school. The other children of their age rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, -Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage– Harvard University Press 1981)
• Teenage children of divorce are three times more likely (35% instead of 13%) to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill - Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development- Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)
• Children from divorced homes have more psychological problems, than children from which one of the parents has died. (Robert E. Emery,- Marriage, Divorce and Children's Adjustment- Sage Publications, 1988).
• Life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people (who have the longest life expectancies). 
• A recent study found those who were unhappy but stay married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.
• The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded that “being divorced and a nonsmoker is [only] slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married.” 
• After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover, indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a long-term impact on the physical health of the body.
• Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected. Some of the mental health indicators affected by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.

If you have been divorced, our God is a forgiving God and by his Grace these statistics have and can be overcome. If you are in the middle of a divorce now and you have the choice, take a step back, breathe and truly think about whether this is the best option for everyone involved. (It's called unconditional love that Christ has called us to.) If you are happily married now well, walk with us and let us give you some pointers we have learned lately on how to improve your marriage to make it absolutely the happiest you can be outside of heaven.




There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. – Romans 8:1


Yours Truly,
D and Ali

Marriage

Marriage:  In my opinion, the single hardest thing you will ever do in your lifetime.  Don’t take that opening statement the wrong way, I love being married.  The hard part is the expectation of what’s to come.  Fellas, just let me start with you: You have no idea the journey that you are about to be part of.  Guys have a lot of responsibility when it comes to marriage.  So you think that your just gonna work your forty to fifty hour a work week, bring home the bread (money), maybe do the dishes or cut the grass and she is just going to fall at your feet like you are “King of the World”  Let me let you in on a little secret, she will appreciate that unless she is just a total Diva, but that won’t cut it for long.  You might get through a few years that way, then one day you will realize that your in a rut, your spending more time in the garage than you are persuing your wife.  Why? This is the question you are asking yourself right now.  We were so close and now she’s out with the girls every weekend and your always working on the Hot Rod with a buddy.  You guys (you and your wife) have drifted apart.  Both still love each other, but there is nothing new, no excitement, no flare. 

     Ladies:  Well let’s just say, you all are not off the hook either.  You were once smitten with your husband.  When you all were dating, you anticipated that phone call each day, or that little, “I love you” text messege. You couldn’t wait to be picked up for that date, the one he brought flowers to and took you to that little place you like and you all sat in the corner holding hands, looking into each others eyes and whispering sweet nothings.  You thought, “This is the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with, I can see myself having kids with this one.”  Then you start planning for the big day. The perfect dress has to be found, colors have to match, bridesmaids have to be chosen, he has to choose his groomsmen, find the reception hall and book the caterer.  The big day comes and goes,the honeymoon is over and you are five years into your marriage trying to remember the last time he just wrapped his arms around you, whispered, I love you in your ear or even sent flowers to your desk.  All you can focus on is what he doesn’t do.  You spend your time trying to change him into the man you think he should be, and you can’t understand why he doesn’t just listen?   You are in a rut.  You don’t put on that cute little outfit anymore.  You are always wearing frumpy clothing around the house and you always just pull your hair up in a bun or ponytail, just because it’s easier to handle.  You can’t understand why you can’t talk to him without fighting.  Everything becomes a yelling match from what to eat for breakfast to sex.  You just want to know that the one you love thinks of you as more than his personal cook, maid or sex slave.

We want you to know these feelings among many others are real.  If your marriage hasn’t gone through them,  well you are still honeymooning.  You are not alone in how you feel and even better your marriage isn’t over because of it.  I know it seems cliché and we have all heard it before but for tonight I want you to read these scriptures and really think about what it means.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on it’s own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.  1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 

Men:  Today take the time to write your wife a love letter, fill it with 10 reasons why you love the woman she is, take the time to appreciate not only her beauty, but her heart and her talents as well.

Women:  You have two tasks first get yourself ready for your husband.  Not like a normal day of work or caring for the house,  dress yourself as if you are seeing him for the first date.  Don’t be someone your not but be the best you.  Second, ask him about his day and say something to encourage, let the trash sit for a bit and just make him feel good for a job well done.  Come on now, I am sure he did ATLEAST 1 good thing today!!!

This is just the beginning,

D and Ali